what's the secret to proactive dating?

Preparation and being honest with yourself.

"Train your eyes to follow the results of their moves, the outward circumstances, and do not be distracted by anything else." -Robert Greene

There are so many things wrong with dating in the 21st century, but I can guarantee you it’s not because women aren’t who MEN think they need to be to be “wifed” or seen as worthy of respect and proper treatment.

If you care enough about what men think to alter who you are, this post might not be for you. I’m talking to and for the women that understand the game and how to play it. To pretend that the game isn’t being played is naive and often dangerous for women.

Let me tell you a short story.

In high school, for whatever cheesy ass reason you can come up with, I fell in love with the guy who was my best friend. He was two years ahead of me, but we were both nerdy creatives and clicked on almost every aspect of life. Two years into our friendship, I was a sophomore, he a senior and getting ready to graduate, I wrote him a long letter confessing to my feelings for him. He told me that he loved me too but that I was too young for him. This was a plausible denial for me. He was legally an adult and going off to college to live his life around other “adults.” I figured that was something I could live with.

Until a few weeks later, I found out he had a thing for one of the girls in my class. They dated, and I maintained my friendship with him even though he had blatantly lied because it allowed me to keep close to him.

Let me tell you another story. Fast Forward two years. It’s MY senior year, and I’m breaking out of the shy shell that held me back all of high school. I realize that college will provide me with an opportunity to spread my wings just to see how far I can fly. My “best friend” has now become my first lover and my first love. I’m wrapped up in the very thought of being with him, having his babies, and growing old together. He writes me poems about how the stars in my eyes soothe the internal beast he’s kept caged. He tells me he loves me every day, but he is still in a relationship with this same girl, who years ago was “too young” for him. My rose-colored glasses have a crack in them. The day before I graduated, I gave him an ultimatum, “me or her” I foolishly told him, not knowing that being chosen by a man who had already proven how little he cared about me wasn’t a win in any way.

So he “chose” me. We dated exclusively. I finally had my man. For years, I played the part, I was so eager to prove myself as worthy of the love that was not even mediocre. At best, it was ill-fated, lust-driven codependence. The sex was good. He was creative like me, so we found solace in creating around our individual wounds and pains. We had fun together. But every chance he got, he turned against me to satisfy his own desires. I never did find the basis for those desires, and the older I get and the more distance I put between me and that relationship, the more I realize I don’t care. It doesn’t matter why. What is important is realizing and accepting the truth; he played the game with my heart and my body like it was his favorite pastime.

An understanding of the fuckery a man will put a woman through doesn’t change the reality of it happening. The only thing that prevents women from being harmed by the abuse and mistreatment of men is an understanding of how and when to LEAVE those men behind.

It took me years and a lot of psychological and physical setbacks for me to leave that relationship and stay gone. After I cut the final string that tethered us together, life moved differently. A heavyweight was lifted off of my shoulders. There was some sadness, but it was nothing compared to what I felt, every day in that relationship.

I made the mistake of thinking that the admission of “I love you” meant a man was not running his game and pulling the wool over my eyes. Sometimes the “I love you” is genuine, and sometimes it is just a means to an end. I urge you to consider the source, the timing, and ultimately the reason why those words are being said. You have to be able to view your relationship from an objective perspective to be assured that you’re not the hitter’s lick.

You can be emotional. You can be in love. You can hope for the best and daydream about a future with him, but you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t actively prepare and prevent yourself from being played for a fool. There are people (women) that will say being calculated in this way takes the fun out of dating, but it’s my honest belief that having a calculated approach to dating takes the drama and heartbreak out of it, making it a more freeing and enjoyable experience.