what every woman should know

about Proactive dating

I once dated a man who, on our fourth or fifth date, decided to tell me that his dick was little. Now, I don’t know if you all can relate, but sitting in Red Lobster, trying to indulge in a basket of cheddar bay biscuits is not a comfortable setting for a man you’re dating to disclose his dick size. Big or small. (And truthfully, if he had that infamous Big Dick Energy, he wouldn’t have felt compelled to say anything, but that’s for another post). Anyway, as I stared into his face incredulously, trying to separate fact and fiction I was struck by how bold a man had to be to think it was okay to talk to me in such a crass, disrespectful way.

I could bore you with the details about how I, the idiot, went on to discover that he was, in fact, telling the truth; along with all of the other unnecessary bullshit that relationship brought into my life, but those are stories for another day. I laid out these depressing details to show you how low the bar can really go when you date reactively.

At this point in my life, I was recently separated from my son’s father and trying to get back into the dating scene. I was kind of like a kid in the candy store with some money to spend, but I had the absence of a sweet tooth. I didn’t know what I wanted or if I even wanted anything at all. The only thing I was sure of is that I did not want to be alone.

So I sent out the vibe that I was ready and available, and the men - they did what they do best. Because I jumped into dating without setting any standards or establishing an end goal, I ended up with a lot of failures and stories to tell. So I coming to you, as a woman, to tell you that you have to lay down the groundwork before you get into dating.

Here are three tips to help you gravitate to the type of person and experience that you want from dating:

1. Date Yourself

A very wise woman always tells me that the most important part of dating is dating yourself. Clara, my son’s grandmother and also my bonus mom, has always been a strong proponent for women finding themselves over giving their power away to men. “You have to find and know yourself, what you do and don’t like, what’s your limit for what you will tolerate,” she tells me. When I was younger and didn’t enjoy being told what to do, I bucked against her words. But now, on the cusp of my 30s and with a load of relationship experience earned, I understand the true value of her words. If you don’t take time to date yourself, you’re more apt to date the first man that shows you any kind of attention, instead of the man that gives you the attention you want, need, and deserve.

2. Be Direct and Intentional

This month, one of my best friends celebrates her one-year wedding anniversary. I could not be happier for her, but I have to be honest and tell you that it stumped me for a while after she got engaged. Rashidah is fearless in a lot of ways that I am still learning how to be when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. She has ALWAYS been very direct and intentional with the people she’s dated. When we were younger, I would ear hustle on her conversations and CRINGE when she would talk about how she wanted a man to marry her, take care of her, and help her provide for a house full of kids. Who does she think she is? No man is going to want to put up with that. My naive and underdeveloped brain muscle couldn’t fathom that by being upfront and outspoken about her needs, a woman weeds out the men who can’t give her what she’s looking for, and by doing so she’s prevented them from wasting her time. Don’t eeeevvvvveeeeer hesitate to let a man know what you need and expect. He will either rise to meet the standard or fall short and make room for the next candidate.

3. Set Your Bar

Your bar is like the pole they use in the Limbo game. If a man is not willing to bend over backwards and slide underneath to meet you on the other side, is he really ready to date you? Don’t worry about your “demands” being too much or your standards being “too high.” I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I am too headstrong, too independent, too mouthy. And with every man whose been stupid enough to regurgitate these words, I’ve learned they are just not enough. Set your standard and don’t deviate from it. This is how you win the dating game.

Dating is meant to be an enjoyable learning experience if you approach it the right way. Keep these three tips in mind the next time you’re seeking out your partner(s) and watch the energy change in your favor.